A Letter to Who I Thought You Were
Letting go of something you never truly had is impossible. In order to let go, you must have first obtained it – first have had something to hold on to. So, how exactly does this work?
I never really had you. I only had the idea of who you were. I had the hopes, the desires, the over-analyzed moments, I, wrongly, had the expectations. You were my prince, my knight, my dream man…but were you really?
Expectations are a funny thing.
You can think and think and think and build someone up, turning them into an ideal, rather than seeing them for their reality. That is where I went wrong. I dreamt, I fantasized, I thought, I plotted, I discussed – not who you were, but who I had hoped that you would be.
You were supposed to be the guy who ran after me, just to say one last goodbye. You were supposed to be the guy who surprised me at my graduation. You were supposed to be the guy I saw through the crowd, dressed in your white uniform, glowing as you watched me cross the stage. You were supposed to be the guy I ran to the moment I tossed my cap. You were supposed to come home, show up at my door, and tell me that you missed me. You were supposed to tell me your feelings and be truthful. You were supposed to choose me. You were supposed to.
You weren’t supposed to let your hazel eyes gaze deeply into mine. You weren’t supposed to confess your struggles to me around a bonfire and then tell me you joined the Navy. You weren’t supposed to know that I had feelings for you and not address my feelings or yours. You weren’t supposed to uncomfortably watch me stand in the doorway at your going away party and not chase after me. You weren’t supposed to talk to me through the night, up until the moment you left for boot camp, only to give me false hope. You weren’t supposed to tell me you had feelings for me. You weren’t supposed to get deployed for 3 years. You weren’t supposed to meet some other girl. You weren’t supposed to propose to her…but you did.
Who you are and who I had hoped you’d be is in stark contrast. Hope can only get you so far without truth attached to it.
People hurt us.
But seeing truth, and letting go of falsified hope, is necessary to move forward. And the harsh truth is: you were never mine, and apparently will never be.
So, here’s to letting go.
Here’s to tossing away 6 years of unrequited love and heartache.
Here’s to 6 years anew.
Here’s to holding onto hope again.
Here’s to who I thought you were.
Here’s to trying again.
Here’s to you. Goodbye.